comic artists?!

AHOY!

I am working on a new story that willl be a fantastic graphic novel. If you are interested in drawing, inking or coloring a silly and satanic comic, please let me know and I'll fill you in on the nerdier details. Don't be hating.

-Sean

slacker.solutions@gmail.com

MOUSTACHE CANNON

Wednesdays, 4-6 pm @ www.bearcastradio.com

Moustache Cannon!

Video games for one-handed people

After a colleague at The News Record suffered an injury to his shoulder, his arm was left incapacitated in a sling for a few weeks. That being unpleasant enough, I know him to be an avid video gamer that enjoys a multitude of genres. How, then, is he able to indulge his hobby with no proper way to hold a traditional two-handed controller?

During my research I came across some truly ingenious one-handed gamers who were able to modify Xbox 360 controllers to suit their needs. It's great seeing proof of "where there's a will, there's a way," but I am much too lazy. I searched through my game collection and came up with the five games to play with one hand, no modifications necessary, that many gamers already own.

Duck Hunt

I really wanted to shoot the dog that gathers all of your dead ducks after a round -- not because I hate dogs -- but because he laughs mercilessly when your attempts fail. This game is super easy with one hand, as all you need to play is the almighty Nintendo Zapper.

Ms. Pacman

Everybody has played this game. Using only a joystick, you control the little yellow vixen as she navigates mazes to consume an ungodly amount of pills, with some fruit and pretzels on the side. Ms. Pacman proved that she could avoid ghosts just as well as her male counterpart, Pacman. Have you ever thought of the implications in pairing up Ms. Pacman (meaning she was born a Pacman) with Mr. Pacman? Incest?

Final Fantasy VII

Sure, I could have put up pretty much any "Final Fantasy" title, but I just started a new game in "FFVII" (for the millionth time) and have challenged myself to play the game with only one hand. So far, it's worked fantastically. You star as Cloud, a former soldier for mega-conglomerate Shinra. Cloud now works with freedom fighters (today know as terrorists) that fight to topple Shinra, save the planet from a mysterious megalomaniacal grey-haired swordsman named Sephiroth and even take the time to do some snowboarding. The story is intricate and engrossing and, while the graphics are definitely dated compared to newer FF titles, it's still the one game in the series that keeps bringing me back again and again.

Fallout I and II

When I first saw "Road Warrior," an Australian post-apocalyptic action film starring Mel Gibson as the loner hero Max, I had never been more excited for the bombs to drop- just so I could justify waging war on fellow motorists in order to steal their gasoline. When the first two titles in the Fallout series were released, I felt that same flash of envy for nuclear wasteland survivors. These 3rd person RPGs are controlled only with a mouse, which makes them ideal for one-handed gamers. While the newest additions to the series, "Fallout III" has garnered more attention than the previous titles, it's a FPS that demands the use of two hands and would not be conducive toward one-handed gaming.

Super Mario Kart

Alright, so this is kind of an odd one: TNR alumni Megan Groves claims she can play a solid game of the original Mario Kart for the Super Nintendo … using only her feet. So, while I now know never to play with her SNES controllers without bringing some anti-bacterial hand gel, it's nice to know that there are video games that don't even require using your hands-if you're into that.

BONUS

Dance Dance Revolution

(you still look like a tool, dude)

Speaking of games that don't require the use of your hands, how would you like to stomp on lighted boxes in time to frustratingly catchy Japanese pop music? Though I personally don't think DDR counts as dancing (does "Whack-a-Mole" constitute pest extermination?) it is great fun and healthy to boot. So beneficial, in fact, that DDR has appeared as part of regular gym classes in at least 10 states. Too bad it's impossible to look genuinely cool playing the game.

There are many more one-handed games, so be sure to comment below with some of your favorites.

Like many Star Wars fanatics, I lead an unhealthy lifestyle.

This includes Star Wars-themed drinking games, eating junk food, staying indoors to re-watch the original trilogy, or simply playing Star Wars video games for hours on end. While my metabolism has been far too kind in these last two and a half decades, I can't help but dread my Star Wars dedication will end up making me less sexy than a sarlacc pit and fatter than Jabba the Hutt.

It seems George Lucas has found a remedy to my impending Star Wars-related health issues: A live action television show that covers the 19 years between "Revenge of the Sith" and "A New Hope" (episodes three and four, respectively). This proposed series, which does not have an official release date yet, might be just what I need to give up this horribly stunting addiction and finally say "To hell with Star Wars."

Right after "Return of the Jedi" Lucas started losing it. I'm not one of the haters who berates Lucas for Ewoks, or any other utilization of Muppets. Mother fucking Yoda is a Muppet, voiced by Frank Oz, who was Miss Piggy and about a thousand other Muppets. I'd prefer Muppets to CGI any day. Once Lucas ruined the original trilogy with his "special" edition in the late '90s, my eyes were open to the horrors of a very rich filmmaker who wants nothing more than to market his old work to as many people possible; artistic credibility be damned.

For those who've had the (dis)pleasure of watching "The Star Wars Holiday Special," you'll understand the pains one goes through to try to recapture the joyous nostalgia of a bygone era - especially with Lucas at the helm.

I've lost faith in George Lucas. Everything is a marketing ploy and -- aside from sweet action figures, toy light sabers, video games and posters -- I'm not buying.

… fuck.

"The Last Airbender" is more like "The First Fartbender"

The movie is not great. With that out of the way, don’t let this film adaptation be your only impression of “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” Watch the show. I beg you. If you have a Netflix account, it’s yours. All three seasons can be streamed on the website. Go. Watch it … after you finish reading this, of course.

After much meditation, I’ve decided how to discuss M. Shyamalan’s “The Last Airbender.” There are so many negative reviews of this film online, it’s hard to remember why people were so disappointed with the film in the first place, but then it dawned on me: “Avatar: The Last Airbender” is an amazing television series. So, instead of writing about how terrible the film is, I’d rather focus on the positive.

The cartoon is hilarious. Humor is completely missing from the film, aside from several slapstick moments where Sokka gets wet. The movie is very deadpan and action oriented. In the cartoon, Aang (pronounced like “bang” without the “B”) is an energetic ball of comedy, always ready to laugh, create mischief, invent extreme sports and generally have fun, even in the midst of a terrible war. This is a reason he’s such an endearing character. While the film’s Aang (inexplicably changed, now pronounced like “song” without the “S”) wonderfully pulls off the martial arts skills necessary to “wow” audiences, he seems tired and scared the entire time. This is not concurrent with the original Aang’s bright and inexhaustible demeanor. Sokka is also a large source of comic relief in the cartoon, always hungry and making hilariously tacky puns. The movie just doesn’t pull it off.

Not everything in the show is so dramatic. Watching the movie was like being the recipient of a very stern lecture. There are some episodes in the first season with almost no fighting or drama, where the characters are able to properly develop. The movie had to compress an entire season of the cartoon – 10 collective hours of episodes – into two hours of film. It might be safe to say that, through this math, “The Last Airbender” is only 20 percent as good the cartoon on which it was based. If you’ve read Roger Ebert’s review, though, my statistic might be an insult to the cartoon.

The cartoon has excellent voice acting. Mark Hamill, most famously cast as Luke Skywalker in “Star Wars,” plays Firelord Ozai. Mae Whitman, Ann Veal from “Arrested Development,” plays Katara. Mako, Akiro the Wizard and narrator of “Conan the Barbarian,” plays Uncle Iroh. Dante Bosco, Rufio from “Hook,” plays Prince Zuko. These are heavy hitters, wisely chosen by the cartoon’s creators.

There’s just not much to be said about the new actors’ performances in the film. It left much to be desired. Dev Patel (Prince Zuko), Shaun Toub (Uncle Iroh) and Aasif Mandvi (Admiral Zhao) stood out as the best actors. I especially enjoyed Mandvi’s performance, considering the only other work of his I’ve seen is as a correspondent for “The Daily Show.” Noah Ringer (Aang) wasn’t especially entertaining when he wasn’t kicking a gale of wind at his enemies.

Something that must be kept in mind concerning M. Shyamalan’s film is that he did not create this world. Michael Dante DiMartino, Bryan Konietzko and Aaron Ehasz cowrote a majority of the cartoon. That said, wouldn’t it make sense to familiarize yourself with the source material before deciding to watch an adaptation? While that doesn’t always apply to modern film audiences (who else read “The Godfather” or “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” before watching the film?), it harbors a more serious appreciation of the work.

Rumor has it there’s going to be a film adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s beat classic “On the Road” in 2011. I would hate to bring up the adventures of Sal Paradise in conversation, only to be met with an “Oh yeah, I saw that movie,” kind of response. I quake in fear.

Shyamalan’s been heard saying he wants to turn “The Last Airbender” series into the next “Star Wars.” If that is so, he should follow George Lucas’ lead let someone else direct the next two films.

In preparation for "The Last Airbender" to premiere in theaters, I've begun collecting some videos that highlight the multiple fighting styles we should expect to see. Fans of the show will see the similarities.

Airbending = Bagua

Waterbending = Tai Chi

Firebending = Shaolin Kung Fu

Earthbending = Hung Gar

Roger Ma: zombie slayer, author, fan

I was very happy to have the opportunity to speak with Roger Ma, a dedicated enemy to zombies everywhere, about his book, “The Zombie Combat Manual.” Ma called me from his office in New York City.

Slacker Solutions: What gave you the idea to write the book?

Roger Ma: “Everybody’s told if a zombie apocalypse occurs, you shoot them in the head. I thought, ‘Well, I don’t have a gun, so what the hell do I do? If zombies attack I probably won’t be able to get a gun, so what am I going to use?’”

SS: If a dozen zombies were to beat on your office door right now, what would you use?

RM: “You have to look for things that are sturdy … like table legs or chair legs. I’m a big proponent of the blunt object. I’m not much of a proponent of blades; it’s actually a lot more difficult to cut off a head than most people think.”

SS: How will “The Zombie Combat Manual” prepare its readers for the zombie apocalypse?

RM: “I wrote it to show that [slow zombies] are not easy to dispatch. When they’re up close, they won’t just grab your arm lightly and slowly take a bite — it’s going to be more like a dog attack, or a rabid chimpanzee. It’s really vicious and not easy to contend with.”

SS: So you chose to concentrate on the classic, shuffling zombie over the fast zombies we’ve seen in recent films in the past few years? Why?

RM: “I can understand why people would get enamored with the new, fast zombie. What people are essentially feeling is that there’s no threat to slow zombies; you can get around them … but if somebody’s sprinting at you, that’s really something tough to contend with. I didn’t want [“The Zombie Combat Manual”] to go in that direction.”

SS: How have zombies stayed in popular culture for so long?

RM: “The zombie is one of those creations that is really malleable. You can put whatever face you want on it and that’s why it’s evolved over the times. I think why they’re so popular now is because they’ve always represented the fundamental fears: Fear of disease, fear of infection, fear of aging, fear of chaos, fear of societal breakdown. All of that is stuff we’re experiencing to a certain degree nowadays. It’s happening in our backyard. This kind of fear doesn’t feel very far off base from something that could actually happen. It’s always been popular because there’s always something you can adapt to the zombie genre.”

SS: Many fans of zombie films enjoy discussing how they plan to survive a zombie apocalypse. What do you think that says about us?

RM: “[Planning for a zombie apocalypse] is the same thing as fantasizing quitting your job and selling trinkets on the beach.”

SS: Why has there been such a strong surge in zombie-related media lately?

RM: “There are parallels to what was happening within our society to the popularity of zombies. There was a curve that matches up with the emotions and feelings of the country. As people are feeling more depressed and disillusioned, the popularity will go up.”

SS: Do you think most people will give up on the zombie craze?

RM: “For real fans, there is no craze. We are continuously looking for quality work.”


It’s safe to say I’ve found quality work in Ma’s book, “The Zombie Combat Manual.” Published by Penguin, check out the Web site at www.zombiecombatclub.com.

Stay vigilant, stay protected and stay alive.

Best.Show. Ever.

The Simpson family has stayed together longer than mine could. I suppose this is a reason the show has been so important to me growing up; it’s been a comfort to have something consistent in my life that has been there for me when my family was going through some trouble.

Nostalgic escapism aside, “The Simpsons Season 20” DVD is in stores, featuring 21 episodes of television’s favorite yellow family. This is a hell of a long time to be making a cartoon series and, now that it is in its 21st season, I’m curious to see how much longer they’ll be able to keep the show running. The show has survived nearly as long as me; Maggie Simpson should be old enough to drink Duff Beer now.

On top of the 20th season DVD, I’ve also been watching a boatload of episodes from earlier seasons of “The Simpsons,” attempting to get a comprehensive hold on the town of Springfield. This has shown me the sobering formula the show has reverted to in the last decade, which basically has several different plotlines running simultaneously, all leading to one outcome, usually a strange moral tale or a simple tongue-in-cheek gag. Throw in a celebrity guest voice and some topical issues, and you’ve got an episode.

This season does have some pretty cool celebrity guests: Kelsey Grammer makes his 11th appearance as the hilariously homicidal Sideshow Bob. Other guests include Ellen Page, Denis Leary, Joe Montana, Jodie Foster, Marv Albert, Mark Cuban, Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt.All criticism aside, “The Simpsons” has undoubtedly become the most iconic cartoon family on television. Still riding off the general success of 2007’s “The Simpsons Movie,” the Simpson family has found themselves on more than just our TVs.

Marge Simpson was featured in a 2009 spread of “Playboy.” While these pictures didn’t answer the main question (does the carpet match the beehive?) it did feature one of the first “Playboy” pieces I’d been interested to check out since they published the collaboration between Gonzo-journalist Hunter S. Thompson and Playboy’s (then) assistant editor, Tim Mohr: “Postcards from the Proud Highway” — a string of Thompson’s analyses on a wide range of subjects spanning firearms to physical fitness. This article was Thompson’s final contribution to “Playboy” before his death Feb. 20, 2005.

But I digress. This mention of Hunter Thompson’s suicide is making me wonder when “The Simpsons” will make that same final decision. Morbid as it might sound, the creators and voice actors of this show must be exhausted … aside from the actors’ lucrative $400,000 per episode paychecks. There is one warning sign that Matt Groening and the creators are losing spirit in the show, namely the lack of commentary on the DVDs.

With Conan O’Brien out of NBC, it’s important to remember that he wrote and produced for “The Simpsons” between 1991 and 1993. These seasons contain some of the best episodes found in the 451 episodes created.

While watching Adult Swim, one of their textual “bumps” between shows hinted tongue-in-cheek they were interested in buying “The Simpsons” from FOX. Since FOX has kept an extremely firm grip on the show, this is really indicative of how much greater “The Simpsons” is than “Family Guy,” which has been on Adult Swim for several years.

While my family wasn’t able to remain a single unit for as long as Springfield’s residents in 742 Evergreen Terrace (even though Homer and Marge have been remarried four times, due to strange circumstances), I’m happy. Happy that such an excellent show has been able to stay afloat for more than two decades. Taking a cue from Comic Book Guy, my favorite character in the series: “Best. Show. Ever.”

Death of primetime: TiVo's rise

It seems your friendly neighborhood slacker has once again found himself living with his parents, which means one thing: cable television.

Something relatively new to our television is TiVo, the digital video recorder (DVR) box used to save shows so you may fast forward, rewind and pause your programs. This has been a life-changing implement to my daily routine, here’s why: My biggest beef with television was the fact that I had to plan my schedule around the programming in order to watch what I wanted.

Primetime is now a thing of the past with DVR.

Considering the fact that I’ve relied upon Hulu.com and streamed sites off Chinese databases for the bulk of my television fix, having a full array of 500 or more channels feels like I’m stealing. Except, it’s the opposite of stealing when you’re paying $124 per month.

The price tag is what keeps me from independently acquiring cable. Paying for just wireless Internet dents my monthly budget enough and, in my opinion, if I only have the Web at my disposal, then I’m more likely to utilize that resource closer to its full potential. When I was without cable and wanted to watch my favorite shows, I would try my best to use the previously mentioned streaming sites. In general, I wouldn’t recommend this method. More often than not, you’re going to find dead links and terrible quality if you manage to successfully find something to watch. In my case, I ended up watching grainy episodes of “Dragon Ball Z” simply because it was one of the only working shows I could find.

Since DVR records the episodes and keeps them until I manually delete them, it keeps track of everything I’ve watched. This is a nice way to gain a perspective on what has been on my TV, though I’m not the only one who has this information. The cable company also has the information on what I’ve been recording. Privacy issues aside, this has done something extraordinary in revealing a very apparent feature about myself: I watch almost nothing but cartoons.

“Johnny Quest,” “The Venture Brothers,” “South Park” and “King of the Hill” are the primary shows in my DVR track list. While I’m not a huge fan of many crime shows, “Dexter” has also become a favorite of mine, making it (along with “30 Rock”) one of the rare live shows, with real actors, recorded on my DVR.

So how has DVR actually changed television? The commercials. Something DVR banks on is the ability to fast forward through commercials. This gives the viewer a false sense of cheating the system, like they’re not being constantly exposed to advertisements; this is simply not true. Look at a commercial as it’s fast forwarding, even at full speed. You are almost guaranteed to still get the full gist of the commercial. As the commercial speeds through, the logo advertised remains onscreen for a sufficiently long enough time to know what they’re trying to sell and what it will do for you, even in bizarre selling-point logic. For example, watching an Axe body spray commercial shows me that sloppy, greasy young men will be aggressively and randomly caressed by vivacious, scantily clad blondes at the mall if they wear Axe. Now, you wont be able to make sense out of every commercial you watch on fast forward. It’d be impossible to figure out Geico commercials without the contextual dialogue.

I’m not the type to willingly pay for cable — I’m fine without a working television so long as I
have the Internet, video games, kittens and maybe a ukulele. My justification is that I’d be more productive without cable. That is bull shit. Now that mommy dearest is paying the cable bill, I’ve become a serious couch potato during my down time.