comic artists?!

AHOY!

I am working on a new story that willl be a fantastic graphic novel. If you are interested in drawing, inking or coloring a silly and satanic comic, please let me know and I'll fill you in on the nerdier details. Don't be hating.

-Sean

slacker.solutions@gmail.com

MOUSTACHE CANNON

Wednesdays, 4-6 pm @ www.bearcastradio.com

Moustache Cannon!

Video games for one-handed people

After a colleague at The News Record suffered an injury to his shoulder, his arm was left incapacitated in a sling for a few weeks. That being unpleasant enough, I know him to be an avid video gamer that enjoys a multitude of genres. How, then, is he able to indulge his hobby with no proper way to hold a traditional two-handed controller?

During my research I came across some truly ingenious one-handed gamers who were able to modify Xbox 360 controllers to suit their needs. It's great seeing proof of "where there's a will, there's a way," but I am much too lazy. I searched through my game collection and came up with the five games to play with one hand, no modifications necessary, that many gamers already own.

Duck Hunt

I really wanted to shoot the dog that gathers all of your dead ducks after a round -- not because I hate dogs -- but because he laughs mercilessly when your attempts fail. This game is super easy with one hand, as all you need to play is the almighty Nintendo Zapper.

Ms. Pacman

Everybody has played this game. Using only a joystick, you control the little yellow vixen as she navigates mazes to consume an ungodly amount of pills, with some fruit and pretzels on the side. Ms. Pacman proved that she could avoid ghosts just as well as her male counterpart, Pacman. Have you ever thought of the implications in pairing up Ms. Pacman (meaning she was born a Pacman) with Mr. Pacman? Incest?

Final Fantasy VII

Sure, I could have put up pretty much any "Final Fantasy" title, but I just started a new game in "FFVII" (for the millionth time) and have challenged myself to play the game with only one hand. So far, it's worked fantastically. You star as Cloud, a former soldier for mega-conglomerate Shinra. Cloud now works with freedom fighters (today know as terrorists) that fight to topple Shinra, save the planet from a mysterious megalomaniacal grey-haired swordsman named Sephiroth and even take the time to do some snowboarding. The story is intricate and engrossing and, while the graphics are definitely dated compared to newer FF titles, it's still the one game in the series that keeps bringing me back again and again.

Fallout I and II

When I first saw "Road Warrior," an Australian post-apocalyptic action film starring Mel Gibson as the loner hero Max, I had never been more excited for the bombs to drop- just so I could justify waging war on fellow motorists in order to steal their gasoline. When the first two titles in the Fallout series were released, I felt that same flash of envy for nuclear wasteland survivors. These 3rd person RPGs are controlled only with a mouse, which makes them ideal for one-handed gamers. While the newest additions to the series, "Fallout III" has garnered more attention than the previous titles, it's a FPS that demands the use of two hands and would not be conducive toward one-handed gaming.

Super Mario Kart

Alright, so this is kind of an odd one: TNR alumni Megan Groves claims she can play a solid game of the original Mario Kart for the Super Nintendo … using only her feet. So, while I now know never to play with her SNES controllers without bringing some anti-bacterial hand gel, it's nice to know that there are video games that don't even require using your hands-if you're into that.

BONUS

Dance Dance Revolution

(you still look like a tool, dude)

Speaking of games that don't require the use of your hands, how would you like to stomp on lighted boxes in time to frustratingly catchy Japanese pop music? Though I personally don't think DDR counts as dancing (does "Whack-a-Mole" constitute pest extermination?) it is great fun and healthy to boot. So beneficial, in fact, that DDR has appeared as part of regular gym classes in at least 10 states. Too bad it's impossible to look genuinely cool playing the game.

There are many more one-handed games, so be sure to comment below with some of your favorites.

Like many Star Wars fanatics, I lead an unhealthy lifestyle.

This includes Star Wars-themed drinking games, eating junk food, staying indoors to re-watch the original trilogy, or simply playing Star Wars video games for hours on end. While my metabolism has been far too kind in these last two and a half decades, I can't help but dread my Star Wars dedication will end up making me less sexy than a sarlacc pit and fatter than Jabba the Hutt.

It seems George Lucas has found a remedy to my impending Star Wars-related health issues: A live action television show that covers the 19 years between "Revenge of the Sith" and "A New Hope" (episodes three and four, respectively). This proposed series, which does not have an official release date yet, might be just what I need to give up this horribly stunting addiction and finally say "To hell with Star Wars."

Right after "Return of the Jedi" Lucas started losing it. I'm not one of the haters who berates Lucas for Ewoks, or any other utilization of Muppets. Mother fucking Yoda is a Muppet, voiced by Frank Oz, who was Miss Piggy and about a thousand other Muppets. I'd prefer Muppets to CGI any day. Once Lucas ruined the original trilogy with his "special" edition in the late '90s, my eyes were open to the horrors of a very rich filmmaker who wants nothing more than to market his old work to as many people possible; artistic credibility be damned.

For those who've had the (dis)pleasure of watching "The Star Wars Holiday Special," you'll understand the pains one goes through to try to recapture the joyous nostalgia of a bygone era - especially with Lucas at the helm.

I've lost faith in George Lucas. Everything is a marketing ploy and -- aside from sweet action figures, toy light sabers, video games and posters -- I'm not buying.

… fuck.